April 5: Get off my LAN!

Pretend you are a grumpy old codger. Write a letter to the newspaper about something trivial that irritates you.

To the Editor:

Kids these days, they don’t know the value of things.  They have this self-entitled attitude, going to the Starbucks for the wifis that they get for free, thinking that they have a right to all the wifis everywhere.  It’s a disgrace to those of us who put our hard-earned pensions into personal infrastructures.

Who do these punks think they are?  They’re trying to save weevils or make widget businesses or overthrow governments on free wifi, where’s the self-respect in that?  You know who really likes free wifi?  HACKERISTS.  Those dirty nasty virus makers always use the free wifis to send out their death threats to all the nuclear power plants and desalination stations.  How do we know all these punk kids aren’t doing the same thing.

Businesses should shut down the free wifis or start charging for them, level the playing field with those of us actually pay for our internets.  They think they’re so special, getting their 5mips down.  Back in my day, we had to download our porn on a 14.4k baud modem, sweating for hours while it loaded, praying our parents didn’t come in and see the half-rendered naked booty.  These kids can’t appreciate the stress that we went through to earn our internets.

Sincerely,

A Codgey Old Grump

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