April 8: What’s to worry?

Describe something you’re currently worrying about and imagine how it gets resolved involving a mythical beast, limit 1000 words.

It’s kind of obvious, but I’m mostly worried about Daniel right now.  His surgery is in eleven days (from the posting of this entry), and it’s a big one.  It’s major brain surgery, and while that’s kind of an obvious “well, duh” thing to worry about… I don’t know.  I can’t shake a bigger feeling.

And trust me, I’ve tried.  I’m tapping almost daily on obsessing over his death, over his recovery time, over the changes that will happen if he lives through the surgery… I want to be pleasantly surprised, but not remembering how to walk is common.  Having wholesale personality changes is common.  Being someone else when he comes out of rehab is common.

I don’t want someone else, I want my son.  I can’t let myself be selfish enough to want my-son-like-he-was-before, my son who sang the ABC song and was learning basic math at two years old.  That would be unnecessarily cruel.  I do want my smiley boy who crushes my cheek in his hugs and plays “cookie, no cookie” on the way home and develops new repeating games every day.

If I could call on any mythical creature to help, it would be a Caladrius, a bird said to be able to take the sickness or disease away from a person and get rid of it altogether.  At the same time, maybe I need a Unicorn that can cure any ailment.  Or maybe I need the centaur Chiron, who traveled the world and collected all the wisdom of the medicines in an effort to save himself.

And maybe none of that would work because this is just how he’s supposed to be.  Maybe there was never going to be any other child than the one we have now, and nothing went “wrong”, it just caught up.

I know that sounds dour and sad, but as an autie – someone who is frequently identified as being “disabled” or “broken” – I would be crushed to not be an autie suddenly.  I do not have a disease, I am merely another type of human.

The epilepsy, though.  Any of those beasts should be able to fix the epilepsy.

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