Conteplation of Lives

I’m a big fuckin’ chicken. Bock-bock.

I just realized that I’ve been running from my true passion for so long, rationalizing it out of my reach, trying so many different other paths, that I’ve been led back in a circle again.

I’m a Reiki Master/Teacher, and I’m a pretty good healer, but every time I try to take that step to the professional level, I get cock-blocked like nobody’s business.

I’m a damn good reader, but I get so worn out and used up dealing with people who don’t want to take responsibility for themselves. I love helping people, but it’s a practice with a very strict time limit.

My greatest joy would be to never have to meet the need to do healing full-time. That’s not realistic, but most people don’t take to my form of honesty that well, so I CAN’T do it full time. I’d even thought about enrolling at Clayton College so that I could do the Naturopathy thing, but that certification is only valid in four states and Wyoming is not one of them. To be legal in Wyoming, I’d have to go out to school out of state, and that’s just not a possibility when you’re married with four kids and a mortgage.

And, really, do I want to do that anyway? Isn’t that just signing up for the same kind of responsibility problems in the end? The fact is, as good as I am at identifying problems, I have a real problem with sympathy, and on the whole, I don’t like people that much. Individually, I can get along great, but I don’t think I can commit to being in a position to have to like ALL of them.

And that brings us to the real crux of the problem: The bottom line is, do I do what I think will make other people happy with me, or do I do what I am happy with for myself and permit those other things to happen when they need to?

Translated: Is this overwhelming compulsion to draw and make things artistically the “sign” I was asking for?

Here’s just the SHORT list of things that occurred to me last night as I was struggling for a full two minutes to go to sleep:

* buying a tattoo rig finally (preceded by drawing furiously to get my chops back)
* designing and making knitting needles with awesome resin bulbs
* fire dancing
* making music/singing with my mom and daughter (expanding our genres)
* writing articles instead of trying to write fiction (a big block there)
* designing knitted garments and accessories
* drawing new tarot decks (the Cartoon tarot and the Fluffy Bunny tarot for starters)
* painting large-scale art again for gallery/sale
* polishing one of my comic styles for publication/webcomicking

Maybe it’s all smoke and mirrors to try to psyche myself out of doing something more constructive and realistic… but then again, only those that attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible.

(And, no, this doesn’t imply that I’m quitting my day job. I just really need to organize my life better so that I have far fewer “golly, I wish” moments.)

2 Replies to “Conteplation of Lives”

  1. I think you need to go for what will make you happiest, because in the end you’ll get too dragged down and end up helping nobody. The tarot idea sounds cool!

    PS I gotta send you a little something I bought at Ikea, for the smallest guy.

  2. I understand the quandary between doing something logical and something fulfilling. I’ve also thought about tattooing as a career, which has made my family look at me quite strangely. I really think you need to do what makes you happy and not let fear rule the direction of your life.

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