Day One: Ten things

Day One:  Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

This section should probably be kept anonymous to the recipients to allow full freedom of expression.  Chances are, those for whom they are intended will understand, and even if they don’t, it’s kind of like PostSecret – sometimes just getting it out there is enough to feel so much better.

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1.  You absolutely make me crazy.  The shifting aspects of your personality create an overwhelming sense of insecurity, and there’s only so much of that that I can handle before it just gets to be too much.  I love you – I really do – but when I need that personal space, it’s not optional.  I’m sorry that I get hard to deal with sometimes, and I really do appreciate everything that you do, but remember that outside of those things, I’m still a person with specific needs.  Talking about it and listening actively would go a long way to clearing up a lot of foggy air between us.

2.  I can’t describe how much compassion I have for you and for your situation.  Yes, your choices have led you to where you are right now, but all you have to do is acknowledge those mistakes.  It’s like we keep saying – just ‘fess up, figure out how to make it okay, apologize, and there’s nothing that we won’t do to help you get to a better place.  Mistakes are glorious, beautiful things, but retreating to a place of enforced ignorance because you don’t trust yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere.  You have too much talent and smarts to end up drifting through the gutters for the rest of your life.  All you have to do is be honest with yourself and others, and you’ll see some amazing things coming your way.

3.  Words cannot describe how much I love you and how grateful I am that you’re in my life.  You are the perfect balance of all of your parts, and even though it seems that this crazy growing process is dragging you to and fro, you’re handling it so much better than the vast majority of your peers.  I’m so excited for your future, and I’m so incredibly proud of the person you’re becoming.  I like to think that I’m pretty good with words, but when it comes to describing all the things I feel in relation to you, I’m utterly speechless.  Thank you so much for all that you do, all that you will do and everything that you are becoming.

4.  I really don’t want you to go.  You’re not a project, you’re not a short-term investment.  You’re a part of our lives, a part of my life, and I feel like there’s nothing I can’t accomplish with you by my side as my partner in crime.  I want to see your dreams come true, and I’d like to know that I could show you how much I love you by helping you get to those dreams.  I’m not always so good at this love thing, you may have noticed, but I try.  You know this better than almost anyone, and you’ve helped me to understand this about myself in ways I couldn’t have hoped for.  This love I have for you is pure, unconditional and ever-lasting – everything we always said we wanted.

5.   I wasn’t sure at first if I should have been disappointed about how things worked out, but as time goes on, I’m more and more grateful that it unfolded the way it did.  I’m noticing numerous things in retrospect that would have created enormous problems into the future – not the least of which is a distinct issue with self-awareness and honesty – but the interesting thing is, I would have been willing to help you work through those.  I said I didn’t expect someone ready-made, and I meant it.  Ah, well… I guess this is the true definition of “Your loss!”

6.   I refuse to be fearful about your future.  I know what you’re up against, and I know that you’re going to make those glorious mistakes, but I love you just the same.  That’s never going to change.  I kinda knew when you were a wee one that this was what was going to happen, and I’m honestly grateful that you’re here now.  It’s not about “saving” you or replacing anyone else in your life – it’s just about expanding your family so that you know that you’re covered, no matter what.  We’ve got your back, kid.  <3

7.   I often say that I regret nothing, and truly, I don’t, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes wish things had been a little different.  While I could say that you were more responsible for the outcome because of a lack of self-awareness (mainly in terms of your own capacity), that’s not entirely accurate, nor would it be fair.  I’ve made the same mistake, and with even worse results.  Glass houses and all that.  Still, the future could unfold in an interesting fashion if that illusive balance could be accomplished.  I love you still and always will, and thank the gods that your upsets are comparatively mellow.  It’s a refreshing change.

8.   I miss you.  A lot.  I don’t miss the feeling of helplessness that I felt when we’d talk about problems, nor do I miss the frustration at offering the help you asked for, only to be turned away.  What I miss is the long talks about important things, about projects we could have done together, about building our lives into the future to make a better world for our progeny.  I miss having someone to be accountable with and someone to be silly with.  I hope that someday you will open the door the rest of they way.

9.   Just a little while longer, sweetheart.  I don’t know where we stand or even if you know, but that doesn’t matter.  Know that when we finally get together, I have no intention of trying to be what I maybe might’ve been in the past but rather to only be what we’re meant to be into the future.  That’s all we can be.  I want to get to know you as you are now, to learn about your past like long-lost friends.  Maybe we’ll be bonded immediately, maybe it will take time, but either way, the love is already present and accounted for.  It’s up to us to choose what to make of it.

10.  At first I thought your silence and poor communication was a means of self-preservation, that you were keeping your feelings close to the vest so that you wouldn’t be victimized.  I’d like to say something about “when the truth came out”, but the fact is, that hasn’t happened yet.  Time is running out to come clean and be clear with me.  Of course, that won’t change my plans for the future, but you could be a part of that future if you were willing to go a different way, to be more ethical in general.  I know it’s not going to happen, and that makes me a little sad.  Ah, well, lesson learned.

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Hmmmm… that was slightly harder than I thought.  I really like this project.

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The original list is here:

  • Day One (ten things said to people)
  • Day Two (nine things about me)
  • Day Three (eight ways to win my heart)
  • Day Four (seven things that cross your mind)
  • Day Five (six things you wish you’d never done)
  • Day Six (five people who mean a lot)
  • Day Seven (four turn-offs)

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