Dear Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh:
I thought about starting this particular letter with a feisty “FUCK YOU”, but as much as that sums up my feelings for you in a mildly appropriate manner, these two little words simply do not have the scope to explain why I’d like to see your eyeballs eaten by lemon-coated rabid ferrets while short Mexican immigrants inject live baby scorpions under the skin of your shins during a non-anesthetized bone graft.
It’s not really just that you are literally blaming the victim for its own misfortune in the case of Haiti’s earthquake. It’s not only that you’re actually actively trying to interfere with providing that victim with help and assistance in this, the moment of deepest need. It’s not even that you have gone to such extraordinary lengths to find something to justify your completely baffling stances.
It’s, at least in part, that you give Christians and Republicans both a really, really bad name.
I know a significant amount of people – myself included – who think Jesus was pretty cool. I wouldn’t personally go so far as to buy into that whole “divine love-child” thing, but that’s not what Christianity was all about: it was a means of delivering a clear message about how to treat people and the world. Jesus, like Buddha, had a brilliant idea: Be excellent to one another. Act with unconditional love and compassion. Help out where you can, and don’t be a jackass. Don’t kick people when they’re down, don’t abuse yourself or anyone else, don’t run your flag up someone else’s flagpole, and keep your hands to yourself.
This is pretty basic shit. Kindergartners get this shit.
But you don’t.
Come clean with me, Pat. I mean, we already know that Rush is higher than a kite, so we can kind of understand this rancid diseased dribbly feces falling out of his mouth. But you, you’re supposed to be the bastion of morality and up-standing values as a “reverend”. How on earth are you justifying your statements with the Lord? How is this putrescent shit-green pus you’re spewing even remotely in line with the Good Book?
Oh, wait… I guess I forgot for a minute that you’re not really a Christian at all. Even your alleged brethren in the Southern Baptist camp look at you and say, “Damn, that boy’s fucked.”
And you really do have this amazingly long list of completely failed attempts at interfering with people being good and just in the world, so it’s not like you’re actively interfering in any sort of real way. (At least, I can’t imagine you would, since the people who are mentally disturbed enough to honestly follow you wouldn’t be the sort to help out with an international disaster anyway.)
So, Pat and Rush, acknowledging exactly how out of the mainstream you two are, why do you still piss me off? What is it about you that offends me so deeply? I figured the “bad name” thing was it, but now I’m thinking about it…
… this is a question I supposed I’m going to have to sit with for a while. Maybe it’s that people still watch the 700 Club and tune into your show, and as much as I want to believe that your audience is doing it for the giggle factor, most of them take you seriously. How many people is that, do you think? How many people are actually listening to you and saying, “Wow, they’re so right! Being kind to our neighbors is great, as long as they’re white and straight and our kind of Christian and keep their women in line! Of course, it’s all so clear now!”
It’s a little late in the game to admit that it was all a bad joke, but I’d let you if you wanted to come clean now. Maybe you’re motivated by an overwhelming desire to be in the spotlight, so you generate insane controversy, but if I were to call you a “media whore”, that would be an insult to whores both in and out of the media everywhere.
I can only wish you a fate that would be suitable to your sins (since you both get off of that kind of thing) and teach you something valuable before you recycle into the next life. T’were I the one who designed such a fate, I think it would involve a large group of immense and impatient gay black men, a lot of internal-spike restraints, and a whole new definition of “long, slow torture”. In this ideal world, strips of your flesh would be boiled down into some kind of tallow lard to provide heat and light for Haitians who have neither. The whole of your “fortunes” would be reallocated ONLY to building orphanages and replacing the crumbled infrastructure with something more suitable for a decent quality of life. Your pharmacopeia would be donated directly to the make-shift hospitals who don’t have enough painkillers to go around.
That’s what a perfect world would provide, just for starters.
Really, it just hurts my heart that there are people who still subscribe to as much hatred as you do. You embody every negative evil thing you claim to revile, and it makes me physically sick to my stomach to think that you hold sway over even one other person. That’s ten times the suckiness the world can take to begin with, and you just seem to adore making it worse.
I wish you years more of crippling pain, and I wish you even further public humiliation. I wish you deep-rooted canker sores on your ass, and I wish you a constant stream of bad coffee. I would wish you healing and love, but I admit to being just a little bit vindictive at this point, and let’s face it, you wouldn’t know what to do with it anyway.
Pat and Rush, fuck you.