Doing okay, all things considered…

Today, I woke up feeling pretty awesome. I stayed up late last night after I logged off of work and puttered around on the computer… I played stupid video games and just vegetated, my head going ninety-to-nuthin’… Got up late and didn’t care all that much, just did my thing…

Tomorrow’s the day I’ve been dreading all year, and this past week has been a steady build towards it. A couple of days ago, I was freaked out that I would end up “thrown back” and unable to get out of those moments, those seconds, that time… and somewhere in there when I was working on Nicole of “Kid n’ Nic” and my Poppa, something clicked and I realized that I was bunging myself up over it. I could choose to remember but not relive, I could choose to not hurt quite so badly… and then I realized, there’s a part of me that DOES want to hurt, that wants to validate the sensation of loss as evidence of love. It’s not so much that my hopes and dreams and such were dashed to the rocks – although that’s part of it, too.

It’s that loving someone who has chosen to exist in an incorporeal status requires us to have a stronger sense of faith, and with that faith comes the sister-virtue of doubt, and with doubt comes the question of delusion. Are we deluding ourselves by believing in this intangible “love” thing, or are we staying true to our spiritual nature by acknowledging the swell of passion in our chest?

Tonight, we are going to go out into the yard as a family and weed and check on all of the various plants. We got a shipment of organic grains from Amazon.Com today (Red Mill grains – Quinoa, Irish Oatmeal, and Muesli), and we’ll be having tabouli and chicken for dinner, with some turnip greens from the garden. Tonight, maybe a movie or a board game… and tomorrow, a nice birthday party for our boy.

I used to think that it was silly to miss someone you never knew, but I knew Toby as well as anyone could, and even without the memories that I hoped I’d have, I still miss him. That’s my human side talking, of course, because the spiritual side says not to worry, of course he’s here.

Sure. He is. IT is. I knew when I was pregnant with him that he was not human in the traditional sense, so I’m not even really sure if I can attribute a gender to what I know of him, but that human incarnation was a boy, and I can’t help but miss our son and everything he didn’t get to be.

Not that he’s not doing amazing things now, but still… there’s something precious and sweet and infinitely, divinely beautiful about stubbing your toe and then feeling it get better.

It’s almost time to get new tattoos.

6 Replies to “Doing okay, all things considered…”

  1. I only recently learned about what had happened and it makes me feel like I’ve been such a rotten friend to not be there when you needed support. I’m so sorry for you, Joe, and your family for your loss. *hugs* I hope today goes ok.

  2. Hi there. I’m so glad you share all of this. I think it helps a lot of other people to understand you and also to deal with things in their own lives.
    Missing someone who you never knew is its own sort of unique pain…I think it’s because ( at least for me ) your imagination and your hopes are so vivid to you for what the person was like or would be like, and such positive thoughts, that the reality that you aren’t going to experience them is a kind of hurt that not many can understand. For me, with my dad, because I never knew him, I know for sure I built up this image of this perfect dad in my head and that just made me miss him all the more in those times when I needed him and he wasn’t around.
    The people who claim that that kind of pain isn’t valid are extremely ignorant.
    I myself have felt that longing to hurt about it, and I did have to let myself grieve and work through all the different aspects. I did a lot of that when I was a teenager, but I’m still working on it.

    In any case, I don’t mean to ramble. I mean to say everything you’re feeling is completely valid and it’s a process. I’m sure you know this already, but I want to let you know that I support you and though it isn’t exactly the same, I understand. If you ever want to talk , I’m around, too.

    Well, I’m in IL but you know what I mean.

    Hugs to you especially, but also to Joe, Lilly, Miles, Joseph and Poppa H today.
    Be blessed.

  3. Sending good thoughts your way today – no one can possibly know what you’re feeling, but please add me to the list of people who care. I’m glad you have your family and friends around you on this heart-full day.
    Kay

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