Day Eight: Five people who mean a lot
When I posted a couple of hours ago, I made a specific point of not talking about the kids because that’s kind of a no-brainer. And then I got to thinking about it, and I realized that they kinda deserve their own post anyway. They know how much they mean to me, but it’s always nice to hear it, non? (And how convenient that it just HAPPENS to be on the “five people” day, and I just happen to have five living kids!)
1. Cassidy – If it weren’t for you – and for the crazy confluence of circumstance leading to your birth – none of the rest of the kids would have existed. It feels so strange to say that, to realize what it means, and at this point in time, that’s not even really the important part. The universe gives us what we need to learn and grow, no matter how much it hurts, and it’s only been in the recent months that I’ve seriously asked myself if things would be different had you stayed with me. Sure, they would be different, but then we wouldn’t have these lessons to learn. What a lucky girl you are to have TWO whole families who adore you and love you completely and unconditionally, and I hope sincerely that the next few years allow you to come to know this side of the family, too – and for us to know yours.
2. Lilith – I don’t think they make words big enough to describe how proud of you I am. I frequently have a twinge of guilt that you do so much around here, taking care of your brothers, taking care of me, but at the same time, I know that my experiences at your age made me a better woman today. I only pray that you are spared the excessive resentment that I had. Your brilliance, your genius, your way with words, these are all things that, as incredible as they are, are second to your sheer human beauty. Positive and negative moments are just moments, but the glorious light that shines from you is constant and the source of so much joy and happiness for me.
3. Miles – When you were born, I said you were going to be my “challenge baby” because of your personality, and I had no idea how true that would be. You have taught me patience – and taught me when to enforce my boundaries – in a way I could not have conceived. I stand in complete awe and admiration of your intense knowledge and your odd moments of clarity and wisdom, and as a human (before being your mother), I swell with pride at how well you’re growing into it. You’re going to break a lot of hearts with your stunning good looks and playful style, and I sincerely hope that this school experience will help you harness your powers for your own highest good. You’re an incredible kid, and I love every moment of watching you grow into a remarkable young man.
4. Joseph – Again, I’m speechless to try to describe the awe and admiration that I feel when I watch you. Your innocence balanced with your intelligence and artistic genius is beyond compare, and there is no greater feeling than when you hug me and give me that enormous, soul-lifting smile. Your devotion to your imagination is mind-blowing, and sometimes I will sit and just listen to you play, stunned by the brilliance of the stories you reenact. I love watching you grow and change, and I can’t wait for the next thing that grabs your attention. You are so beautiful, and so sweet, and I will protect and nurture your gentle heart to my dying breath.
5. Daniel – When people hear about all the things you’re going through, they tell me how sad they are, or how bad they feel for you, and I say, “But he’s alive, and that makes it all worth while.” It’s so true. I can see your real-self in there, hidden behind the epilepsy and the autism, and it almost seems like you’re in your workshop, building something incredible with which to change the world – but we aren’t allowed to see it until you’re all done. Those precious moments where your real-self comes out to play for a bit – the “Good morning, Mom-mee!” times and wandering around with your “Totally awesome” – reminds me that all of this other stuff with the seizures and the shut-down face is just temporary. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re really an alien or a high spirit in a human body – you’re my son, my baby-est boy, my Magnum Opus, and you are so beautiful in every way imaginable.
To all of my kids: English is a terrible language for not coming up with a word to describe how deeply and completely I love each and every one of you. Everything I do is to further your happiness and health, even when I have to sequester away for hours on end, working. I love you not just because you’re my children, borne of my body, but because you are each unique and preciously individual humans, and this “child” phase does not last forever. One day, you will each be adults, and I will love you ever as your mother but also as a peer and friend. I will ever be your advocate and your defender, your sage and your haven. There is not a day that passes by that I do not scream my gratitude to the universe for having blessed my life with your presences. It has been a long and arduous road, but every second of it has been precious, and I wouldn’t trade a single one of them for all the world.