fumbling

I’ve been very sad of late. Sure, I’m excited about teaching Reiki again and about writing again and about all kinds of other things, but underneath it all, I’m sad.

I can’t say if it’s a Toby thing or not, but whatever it is has me writing and working and hiding. I know I have to work harder than usual to not be a grumpy pain in the ass, and I also know that I only have until the first of the year to get my shit together.

Teacup has a friend who lost their 5-month-old baby last night. Another friend in that community lost a 4-month-old baby some time recently. For some reason, my own loss seems just a little while back, but not close enough to touch again, if that makes any sense.

I left two posts – one advising to only say “I’m so sorry”, and the other reminding someone that grief is for the living and children who die are, in a weird twisted way, the lucky ones (a life lived in unconditional love is more pure and sweet somehow than the one that has been embittered and diminished).

I feel like a heel and a jerk for finding myself being that voice, but maybe it’s because when someone is sympathizing, I feel like making them know what they should be sympathizing about. “The poor baby never had a chance to live” is probably the most thoughtless thing, when you really think about it, because that’s just not true. Of course he/she did – and celebrate what life that was. It doesn’t matter what faith you follow, a human is a human and has needs to understand loss and death in a way outside of itself. Identifying what your real fear/loss/reaction is is the hardest but most important part of dealing, especially, with death at the “wrong end” of life.

I spend way too much contemplating these things. Losing Toby made me understand my faith so much better, but it also made me realize just how impotent a lot of religious training is. I’d love to create something that could fix that gap, but I don’t know how effective it might be. So many “grief” books are navel-examination exercises for the authors, and I don’t want to write that. I want to take what little practical advice I’ve found and share it… except, it’s different for everyone. How do I address that? Maybe I can’t.

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