I’ve been very sad of late. Sure, I’m excited about teaching Reiki again and about writing again and about all kinds of other things, but underneath it all, I’m sad.

I can’t say if it’s a Toby thing or not, but whatever it is has me writing and working and hiding. I know I have to work harder than usual to not be a grumpy pain in the ass, and I also know that I only have until the first of the year to get my shit together.

Teacup has a friend who lost their 5-month-old baby last night. Another friend in that community lost a 4-month-old baby some time recently. For some reason, my own loss seems just a little while back, but not close enough to touch again, if that makes any sense.

I left two posts – one advising to only say “I’m so sorry”, and the other reminding someone that grief is for the living and children who die are, in a weird twisted way, the lucky ones (a life lived in unconditional love is more pure and sweet somehow than the one that has been embittered and diminished).

I feel like a heel and a jerk for finding myself being that voice, but maybe it’s because when someone is sympathizing, I feel like making them know what they should be sympathizing about. “The poor baby never had a chance to live” is probably the most thoughtless thing, when you really think about it, because that’s just not true. Of course he/she did – and celebrate what life that was. It doesn’t matter what faith you follow, a human is a human and has needs to understand loss and death in a way outside of itself. Identifying what your real fear/loss/reaction is is the hardest but most important part of dealing, especially, with death at the “wrong end” of life.

I spend way too much contemplating these things. Losing Toby made me understand my faith so much better, but it also made me realize just how impotent a lot of religious training is. I’d love to create something that could fix that gap, but I don’t know how effective it might be. So many “grief” books are navel-examination exercises for the authors, and I don’t want to write that. I want to take what little practical advice I’ve found and share it… except, it’s different for everyone. How do I address that? Maybe I can’t.

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