Sometimes I feel like such a meany-head, but at the same time, being “nice” hasn’t gotten me very far. I think a lot of people make the mistake of confusing what the difference between the two sides is.
If being “nice” isn’t getting you anywhere, the answer is not to be a bitch: the solution is to examine HOW you’ve been “nice” and correct the areas where you have inadvertently sacrificed your chance to express yourself adequately. Don’t hold back talking about what you need to say because you’re afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings. Say what you need to say – but make sure that you’re saying what you NEED and not expressing unnecessary negative emotion in the process.
Here’s an example. When I had the morning chit-chat with Joe today, he was in a serious funk. That had a lot to do with me trying to talk to him yesterday (his birthday) about all of the things that have been going wrong and my concern over getting through it. He internalized it and thus it fueled a significant depression. This morning, it was still full-tilt, but he said he was trying to “positive” his way through.
Now, at this point, I could have put on the bitch hat and laid into him. I say I “could” have because there’s a lot of frustration and irritation that I’m dealing with personally. While I “could” have, I didn’t – and not because I wanted to “spare his feelings”. The fact is that this frustration and irritation is MY emotion, and it’s my issue to deal with – not his. Is he part of it? Did he help fuel it? Oh, sure, but my reactions are my choice and therefore my response-ability.
Instead, I gave him sage advice. I told him that wishing something better only leads to more depression because there’s nothing tangible to work with when you truck in wishes. Identify the problem, examine the possible solutions, and whatever you do, don’t get sucked into the idea that having already made mistakes is going to ruin the rest of your life. So what? Figure it out, fix it, and move on.
But above all, do not give in to self-pity and feeling sorry for yourself. That’s the dead-wrong direction. (I said this for two reasons: the first is that it’s true, no progress can be made when you’re feeling sorry for yourself. The second reason was far more selfish, that I frequently have an excessively negative reaction to self-pity and often lash out with words that are far more harsh than they need to be. I don’t like feeling like that, so I don’t do it.)
I was talking to one of my awesome e-kids last night, Knave, and we were discussing the ins and outs of being a professional writer. I told him that as long and hard as I’ve worked on my craft, if I hear back from Becca at Prospect Agency and actually get a contract with her (and ultimately a book deal), I’ll be thrilled but simultaneously scared shitless. Why? Because without a solid amount of feedback on flaws or weak spots, how do I know what I did right? Without the mistakes to illustrate the strengths and weaknesses, how will I know how to recreate the success? A mutual friend of ours has the same problem – success too quickly without the chance to make mistakes – and it’s nearly crippled his career.
Personally, I’m struggling with the Perfectionist. I feel like there’s been such an intense push for me to be perfect, for me to never be allowed to make mistakes, for me to have to have my shit together no matter what, that my learning side is taking a beating. I need to have the same latitude that I give others. I need to not feel like a failure for not being perfect. The higher self knows that the Perfect is a lie, and that I’m exactly as perfect as I need to be in this moment, but the ego keeps trying to sneak in there and rearrange the furniture when I’m not looking.
Ego’s about to get punched in the junk.
At this moment, I am happy with my life. Yes, I have a huge heaping pile of shit to deal with, but the Universe gave me everything that I need to deal with this shit. Yes, it sucks that I’m essentially dealing with it on my own – no one else can really put away your shit, it’s YOUR shit – but I also have great support and love all around me to motivate me to deal with it.
Why do I want to leave Wyoming? (I don’t.)
Why do I want to move to Texas? (More opportunity, being closer to friends and family, getting into a good schooling program, being in a more social setting, having more growing time for plants and food, a more vibrant job market, more choices, more options, more changes, more chances…)
Texas outweighs Wyoming. Now I just have to get my shit together so that we can get that shit moved down.
How’s early November sound?