7 comments on “Grieving

  1. That was heartbreaking. *gives you a comforting hug*

    But I suppose even the strongest people have bad days. You are an amazing person Dawn. You should never doubt yourself.
    Even though what you wrote is a lot of sadness, the things you want to be, the things you don’t think you are…you ARE those things. I can see that a mile away.
    You ARE good enough. You ARE a good mother. You ARE loved. And you know what else? You are MORE than all of that.

    I know I don’t talk to you as often as others do, but I know you are a good person. You are one of those people who will leave a great impact on this earth, and on the lives of those you know. You are a person who will really make a difference.
    A lot of people would like to be like that, but so few are. You are truely someone unique.

    I know this will sound really cheesy, and easier said than done, but you should just forget about your sorrows, put the past behind you. While your past may be filled with hardships and pain, it’s made you who you are today.

    You’ve got tons and tons of people who love you, and you should just live life being happy about the person you’ve BECOME.
    You are a truely beautiful person Dawn. And you have an amazing heart and soul.

  2. 1) One thing I have wondered for awhile, Dawn… you heal everyone else, who heals you?

    2) You have the question wrong. It’s not why didn’t he love you enough to stay, but how greatly he must have loved you to have chosen you for even such a short trip.
    If as you say, we chose our lives, how greatly he must have wanted to share a soul connection with you that he chose a life that was so brief over others which may have been longer.
    Remember, Toby chose you.

    3) Ugly, stupid, lazy, dirty, unlovable. Words that I can never escape myself.
    Mothers can hurt us more deeply and more lethally then any obne else. I wish I could offer you some easy advice or some possible solution. But if they exist, I don’t know of them.
    I don’t bother with my mothers. It took me a long time to really believe that neither of them loved me or ever would. I’d like to say that I don’t care any longer what either of them thinks of me. But that’d be a lie. I try very hard to and some days I convince myself it’s true. But when I’m being very honest with myself, I have to admit that if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be so haunted by them. And still so easily destroyed by their past words and actions.
    I can offer delusion and fantasy to you. But somehow I don’t think you’d find them acceptable.
    I can offer you the same advice I give myself when my inner-voice is being all destructive and condemning: Let your friends and the people who do love you drown out the ones who didn’t, don’t, and won’t. They’re the ones that matter, anyway.
    I truly wish I knew of some way to make things easier or less hurtful for you right now. I’m sorry I don’t.

    4) You reassured me once. I hope you were right. It’s selfish for me to ask about this again at this time but I need to know for sure whether I have any blame in this at all or not. I apologize for asking.

    Take care Dawn.

  3. Dawn, I hope you can feel the hug I’m sending you through the universe this evening. I’m so glad you’re realizing that even a healer can need help with her own healing. And you have the prayers and good wishes of many who love you for the special person you are.

    Almost 2 years ago, my healer channeled the core spirit that was my first miscarriage. I wanted to know what I’d done wrong, why did it happen, if only…etc, and most of all, did he/she know that I was lacking in even the basic skills of motherhood? Was that the reason for the pregnancy to end?

    The answer I received was that I had done nothing wrong, and the baby said “It just wasn’t my time”. To everything there is a season, and this was meant to be a short season in time. My logical mind wanted more definitive answers, but my heart felt a sense of peace. The ultimate reason wasn’t about me not being good enough or doing something wrong – it was part of that baby’s life plan and what it needed to complete on the journey.

    Finally, something wasn’t “my” fault. My mother used to say their marriage was happy until I came along, that she put up with abuse so I’d have a home; I even felt my father’s heart attack was my fault because I’d been wishing that my mother would die – and this was my punishment that God took the wrong parent and left me with HER. What a relief it was to know I had nothing to do with the miscarriage…

    When I had Heather, I was so afraid she would hate me like I hated my mother that I went totally the opposite direction – I was too lenient, I was her friend instead of her parent. Now we both look back and realize how close we’ve become, and she realizes that I was just trying to be different from the horrible role model I had to go by. To her credit, she learned from what I did wrong, added in what I did right, and is doing a great job with her children.

    I never could get my mother to apologize for the things she did and said to me; to the very end, she refused to take any responsibility for her actions and maintained that I deserved it all (“If you hadn’t done ABC, then I wouldn’t have said XYZ”).

    I may have screwed up a lot in raising Heather, but at least I can look myself in the mirror and know that no matter how angry she made me, I never told my daughter that I was sorry she’d ever been born (like I was told on my 35th birthday). It’s been said that the same-sex parent is a child’s most powerful role-model, for both good and bad. And that’s so true – and it’s taken me 52 years to finally break free from the Victim Mentality that I’ve been mired in most of my life. It’s still a work in progress some days, but life is getting better.

    And it will for you too – in time, with patience and understanding, and the support and love of your friends and new family.

    How blessed you are to have Momma Lynne in your life – you were taught not to trust by the one person you should have been able to trust; try not to be afraid now to soak up the peace and comfort from Momma Lynne that you need at this time of healing. You are a good person, a good wife and mother, and an outstanding friend to many. Try to believe in yourself and know you are loved.

    I don’t really know you that well, but please know that I care.

  4. I can not hope to be nearly as articulate or comforting as any of my predecessors to posting, but I can try to have some words of value and worth.

    Growing up, I based what it was to be a man on the most logical figure there was. My father. I should be strong, gruff at times, razor shart of tongue, and laser sharp of mind. Strong as a rhino, and more observant than a hawk, for he was all these things and more.

    If I can ever truly live up to this image, it will be many years before I reach it. I had such a good role model that I can not ever truly expect myself to live up to him.

    You, on the other hand never had such a role model. You forged your own way, and by doing so soared higher and farther than anyone could have ever expected you to. You’ve done things that no one else could ever do. You council all those around you, and are a terrific mother.

    Perhaps one day, your children will be in the same place I am. Trying to live up to an image and person who is larger than life. And perhaps they will do it.

    On a different track, I have also wondered about the lives we might live. Before I was born, did I have a choice about who I would be born to, and what would happen to me? If so, why did I chose such a difficult and different route from so many people. Upon great reflection, I came to only two conclusions.

    #1: That it is a training for something far greater than I ever could have accomplished otherwise.

    #2: That I chose this life because I might well be the only person who could possably live it.

    Both thoughts carry with them an air of arrogance. Somehow stating that I am the only one good enough for the life I live, but then, there is nothing that says that such arrogance is misplaced.

    Granted, these are just thoughts on my life, but I don’t see why they could not apply to you.

    Just random thoughts, but perhaps they have some value.

    Feel free to talk to me at any point. Believe it or not, when I get to hear the sounds of my own voice, and that of another person, I’m really not that terrible at this sort of thing.

  5. You are not a disappointment, you are the brilliant star that shines so brightly the weaker stars dim with jealousy. You’ve done things better and more easily than she feels she could have ever done. She pushes you away because you remind her that she could have done better for herself. She ignores you so it’s easier for her to ignore her greater problem. To me, it seems like you are the person she wanted to be, but that she was punished for being when she was younger. You are so openly the person that you are, in spite of the rejection she gave you, which makes you stronger than she was.

    Patch your wound first. Realize that that you ARE a good mother because you A. Love your children B. provide them with the attention they need C. encourage them to improve themselves and be the best they can be D. give them the security they need to feel safe.

    Self-doubt is pretty common in any strong, loving relationship, but it shouldn’t be the driving force. It guides, but don’t let it push.

    Once you have your wound taken care of, take care of your mother. Be a mother to her, guide her to the healing path and let her think she got there herself. Remember, this is her wound, and it still hurts to give it attention. Put on your armor/don’t give her any weapons before you start. You are an adult now, and she can’t hurt you unless you let her, so make absolutely certain that you have discarded your self-doubt, and the idea that you caused it before you move an inch closer to her. If you can’t do that, realize that it may not be you that heals her, it doesn’t have to be. Once you both are healed, that connection will come back in force.

  6. I cannot add much to this discussion. The best that I can do is emit platitudes of self-confidence, but that would make me a hypocrite since I do not put them into practice myself.

    As an outsider looking in I have watched you with your kids, and when you get right down to human relationships, there comes a point where instinct takes over, and love is your guide, and that’s all she wrote. Your mother is not the measure by which your fitness as a parent will be judged. Lili and Miles and Joseph are. If they grow in knowledge and faith and love and become strong, capable human beings then what’s to worry about?

  7. Keep Your Head Up To The Skies

    I cannot even fathom what you are going through, nor can I offer as much pleasant words of wisdom as those before me. But I will say this: Although I was not able to attend Magestock, you still welcomed me to your home without question or even knowing who I was. Most people would not ever care to even think of doing such thing, and for you I am grateful. You truly are a kind and gentle loving person. I realize that you do not know me, but I look forward to getting to know you better. You will be in my prayers. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *