I’m not even working on my novel today… at least, not until later. This has to come out.
For those who didn’t get to see the beginning of this saga, I’ll fill you in: I sent an email to Cassidy’s mother about a week and a half ago, asking if I could send Cassidy a birthday card. I got an email back saying no, and that Cassidy wanted nothing to do with me and didn’t want any other life than the one she had with them there. The fuck? That didn’t make sense, and it really got my spidey-sense tingling. In the last week, I’ve gone from denial to being emotionally crushed to being enraged.
I’m still at enraged, especially now.
Apparently, I was young and stupid. Well, who wasn’t at some point, but I really was. I glossed over the damage that was being done back then without my conscious awareness, and now I’m really pissed. You know how you’re supposed to get copies of all the legal papers you sign? I didn’t get mine from when I gave Cassidy up for adoption. It turns out that the only thing an open adoption provides open records – a natural mother can get royally fucked at the adopted parents’ whim.
And I was. I am. I’m so furious, I can barely function right now.
I picked Jackye and Howard out of a slew of other people who, I thought, were desperate and nasty – already had kids, already had a nanny picked out, just didn’t seem like nice people, whatever – and I thought, “Hey, these guys are different! This feels good.”
I never felt okay about it, but I figured that just had to do with being scared and pregnant and getting a lot of mixed flack about things. You know how you do something that you know is wrong, with your heart pounding in your chest, but for some reason – all these perfectly legitimate logical reasons – you do it anyway? That’s what I did. (I did it again, too, the first time I got married.)
You know how much I despise injustice. I’ve turned a blind eye to this situation for fifteen years (longer, if you count prior knowledge of other circumstances), and now all I have to say is, I’m so sorry I didn’t see it earlier. I thought it was a point of pride that I could honestly say that I never once regretted my decision, but now, I just feel like a fucking stupid self-deluding fool. I got lied to, and I bought it. I let them lie to me, I ignored my own gut intuition (I guess I was doing that a lot back then), and I have let them go for fifteen years perpetuating this lie.
It’s not a pretty thing. I’m not the only person that’s been lied to like this, and it’s so fucking common that there are whole websites and books devoted to it.
Where the fuck is our decency? Where the fuck is our humanity that desperate, anti-ethical people get away with this shit all the time? Where is the so-called reform that keeps this shit from happening?
If you give your kid up, even in an open adoption, you have no rights, no recourse, and no options if something happens to the kid, if they don’t maintain their end of the adoption. And that’s just the nice side of it.
There’s nothing I can do, there’s nothing that I will do, but I’m pretty fucking pissed.