This is a “get it off of my chest” thing. If you think it applies to you, that’s your business. And, yes, I’m leaving it public because some people need an indirect kick in the ass.
WHAT THE GODDAMNED FUCKING HOLY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO ACCOMPLISH IF YOU FUCKING ASK FOR MY ADVICE AND HELP AND ENERGY AND BLOOD AND THEN DO NOTHING WITH IT?!?
For the last couple of weeks, I’ve felt storms building and clouds forming under the surface of me, and I know I’m angry and feeling prickly and such, but I ride these things out because I know there’s always an answer at the end of it.
I have extended myself to a number of people and situations. I have made intense personal investments based on their stated intentions to heal. In a small number of cases, that stated intention was revealed as a lie. As disappointed and sometimes disgusted as I am in their situations and choices (who the fuck can possibly deliberately be that STUPID!?!?), I know that ultimately my anger and resentment lies within myself.
I’m the one that took the chance. I’m the one that upset my life for them. I’m the one that extended myself in places and ways that were above and beyond the norm. I’m the one that chose to go out on a limb mentally, emotionally, financially, and temporally to give them the chance that no one else seemed willing to give.
I should have SUCKER tattooed across my forehead backwards, just to remind myself every day.
The horrible part is that not everyone I’ve invested in has had this result, and in most cases, it’s really hard to tell what the ultimate outcome is going to be. Some people have to go down – even after, and especially after, receiving healing – before they can get back up. I accept this, and I make the time and space for them to grow in their own way.
But, I realized that my help is not a free-for-all, have-it-your-way kind of thing. “Oh, I’ll take the financial help and the time and the energy, but I’m not taking the advice or the healing” is NOT a reasonable compromise. It’s all or nothing. You’re going to work to improve yourself and your situation, or you’re not going to waste my time.
It hurts the most when people you love leave you a pint or more short on blood, and then they look at you all confused, like you shouldn’t be “over-reacting”. I used to have a fever dream where I opened the window to let an animal in from the storm, but as he drew closer and changed and evolved, I had a harder and harder time breathing. By the time he was sitting on the end of my bed, I was gasping for air, and he just looked at me like, “What? What’s your problem?”
I feel like that a lot right now. I’m sure that’s a big part of why I had to leave Astrocenter for a while.
Maybe I’m just too much of a giver. Maybe I don’t make my own needs and expectations known well enough. I struggle often between living without expectations and having to make stated expectations for students and clients. “I expect that you’ll have this done by X time, or we will have to approach the problem from a different point of view, and it probably won’t be quite as pleasant.”
But expectation leads to disappointment.
Ultimately, the thing I’m feeling is best described as bitter, bitter disappointment in people I expected a lot more from. In the end, alas, they were merely sad, broken, little humans determined to cling to their sad, broken, little ways. They SAID they wanted to grow and heal and feel better, but really, when they found out that it took sacrifice and commitment and CHANGE (holycrap).
Fuck ’em. I’m over getting screwed like that.
But… I am still what I am. Instead of telling the whole human race to go fuck itself, I will have to institute rules and requirements in order for me to get involved.
1) Everything is going to be in writing. This means that if you come to me with a problem, you have to sign a contract with me so that you know – and I have PROOF that you know – what’s involved. Period. Every time.
2) I’m not putting out more than you are, ever. If you accuse me of “pulling away” and “not being there”, think really carefully about what YOU’RE putting out. I’m not going to chase after you, I’m not going to track you down. And saying “the phone works both ways” only works if you actually ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE. This also goes for time, money, and energy. I’m not putting more into your healing process than you are.
3) Your healing is your responsibility, but asking me to be involved requires me to care. Don’t forget that, and don’t try to take advantage of that.
4) Nothing in life is free. You get what you pay for. And that means that if you put nothing out, you get nothing back. NO ONE is going to live with me again without having WRITTEN rules of exchange – kid-watching, chores, rent, etc. NO ONE is going to engage my services without going through a LOT of assessments and negotiations. And this may mean that a lot of people are going to think I’m the world’s biggest bitch very soon – and that’s your right. Just remember where it comes from.
Just like I have to turn my own anger and feelings back on myself, you have to do that, too, not because you’re “like me” (a narrow and apparently disparaging statement for some) but because you’re HUMAN. Start fuckin’ acting like it, for fucksake, and take some goddamned personal responsibility. I have a problem, and I can’t go ranting and raving at people – I have to peek under my own hood and figure it out because no one else can POSSIBLY be responsible for my feelings. But, at the same time, you want me to be responsible for yours, too? Fuck yourself. I’m not interested.
And, yes, I’m this pissed off and hurt by it. I’d love to hear what you have to say, but, NO, I don’t really want to talk to anyone right now.