One of the negative side-effects of being on the road every day – moving things to the new apartment, going to work, etc. – is that it’s easy to give in to the temptation of hitting a fast food place when there’s an overwhelming grumbly in my tumbly. Part of the sucky aspect of having a hyper thyroid is burning through calories fast, which means when the low blood sugar hits, it hits fast.
Of course, this is all my own damn fault. I could have gotten rice bowls or salad, but that’s just too hard to eat on the go. (Did you see that? That’s what we call a “rationalizing argument”, also known as an “excuse”.)
Here’s the price that I pay for eating wheat: having recently confirmed the assessment of autism, I can definitively say that wheat is one of my main trigger foods. The more wheat I eat, the less I’m in control of my facilities. When I eat wheat, I have a harder time choosing to be compassionate or loving, I get grumpy and hang on to the grump, and most importantly, I forget that I have the option to choose.
This is, of course, just one aspect of it. There’s also the weird hormonal shifts, the thyroid getting pissier, and we’re not even going to get into what it does to my colon. What makes it worse is that it’s a self-perpetuating cycle because the presence of a trigger creates a craving for more of the trigger when any is allowed into the diet, even as a “treat”.
After re-testing just now, I can tell that my entire list of triggers is not long, but it’s a doozy: wheat, corn, high-fructose corn syrup and food dyes.
Making this definitive assessment of autism has done enormous good for me. It’s allowed me to forgive myself for not being “good enough” in the areas that I fall short in (while I observe other people flying through them) and it also gives me permission to excel at the things that I am good out without apology. I’ve apologized a lot in my life for having my little bits of genius, and this past week saw a huge mess of what I call the Monster coming out.
The Monster is the piece of me that says that I lead a completely uninteresting and uneventful life and that I’ve “made up” every amazing thing that’s ever happened to me – good and bad alike. It’s the part of me that says that no one gives two shits about my opinion, that what I think matters less than an ass pimple on an ant, and that I’m unattractive, unappealing, impossible to live with on any level, and that every bit of success I’ve ever pretended to enjoy was purely a matter of conning someone into accepting a lie that I’ve made up, and that the jig was up when I was “found out”.
The Monster, by the way, is completely dead wrong on every count. I have witnesses.
During times like this, I rely on those witnesses a lot, like when I had to ask my dad a few months after Cassidy was born if I’d actually had a kid. I’m not kidding. I was such a victim to the Monster at that point that I seriously questioned my reality-observing sanity. That’s how dangerous this bastard is.
As my lovely soul-sister is through her own immense process of growth and resolution, the energy field she (we) creates puts me in a place to realize my own healing crisis. This is probably why I didn’t recognize last week – which was a pretty monumentally shitty week, by the way – that the correlation was not just correlative but exacerbative. (I can’t say “causative” because the “cause” – the root problem – is a neurological condition that creates an environment for vulnerabilities. The vulnerabilities themselves are not the “causes” of the reaction.) I don’t crave wheat because I’m feeling pissy – I got a little wheat, started craving it, and that’s what created the snowball of pissiness.
Here’s an even more interesting observation, and I’ll be reporting more on this as time goes on. NOTE: This is JUST an observation, maybe a theory. I am not drawing a conclusion, and you shouldn’t, either. Check this out:
Under normal circumstances, the universe does amazing back-flips to accommodate me. Things come up out of nowhere to make my life a little easier, to keep things going. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like a lot of wealth is being enjoyed, but we always have what we need, and sometimes even what we want. When I get all “et up wit teh dum” and start eating wheat (or corn or other things), things start falling apart. Situations I don’t even have a direct vested interest in crumble, seemingly just to make my life difficult. Jobs fall through, time conspires against me, injuries and accidents happen (and by this, I mean accidents triggered by random elements, not things that we could have avoided ourselves). Our reality is created by the way we think, and when I’m in a funk, a very real and immediate sucky reality is created.
Hypothesis of the Universe of Me: Wheat = Bad Reality
Hmmmm… for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The Law of Balance and Duality states clearly that all elements to the positive are countered by a negative, and vice versa.
If eating wheat creates my life energy in a negative or destructive form, is it possible that there are things I can eat specifically to create that life energy into something positive and constructive?
(That just came to me. Maybe it’s turning into an actual hypothesis…)
Also, I now suspect that a percent of cases of IBS are actually celiac-like reactions, possibly connected to autistic conditions. I’m certainly going to talk to my mother about it, who has suffered through bouts of IBS for many, many years.
So… yeah. No wheat for me. Or corn. That’s what my Monster eats, and I definitely don’t want to feed the Monster.