Day Two: Thirteen things that sucked

number-13-babyThirteen things that sucked this year:

13: I left my job at Spicy Horse.  After six years paid plus a year before that volunteer, I closed that chapter.  It was a fantastic job in many ways – I made tons of friends, developed some intense skills, etc – but it also sucked horribly.  I have a whole big rant about that, but let me just say that it was a mixed bag leaving, but not having the steady pay was a problem.  It led to…

12: I lost my house.  By mid-August, it was clear that I wasn’t going to be able to maintain rent and bills and groceries and all that other stuff, despite never quite technically being “without work”.

11: I had quite the string of bad dates, a couple of which actually ended in hurt feelings and chipped hearts.  There was the movie guy (talk about getting your lines crossed), and the not-really-into-me guy, and then there were the reeeeeally bad connections, like the Dogmatic Atheist… and the Weasel even tried to email me this year.  I did not respond.

10: I got really, really sick a couple of times.  Yeah, I know that it’s my body/energy working things out, but seriously wondering if I should be begging for death just for a relief from the pain is pretty high up on the “suck” factor.

9: I had to write some people off.  Sometimes, it just happens.  We grow apart, or we find out that our commonalities are not enough to balance out our differences.  For me, it was mostly about recognizing who was trying to lift me up and who was hanging around like dead weight – and who was trying to use me as an excuse to not get their own stuff taken care of.  Definitely not.

8: Folks died.  Some were closer than others, and even though I don’t get all weepy and weird about it, I pay attention.  It hurts most when it’s an unnatural death, and there were a lot of those this year.

7: My Queen Anne’s Lace shawl that I made for myself with alpaca-silk yarn did not make it through the moves and is still awaiting frogging to try again.  Maybe.  If I have the heart for it.

6: People all around the world got really, really crazy, shooting up schools and movie theatres and each other.  That really sucked.  That’s kinda like in the “Folks died” category, but in this case, I’m more focused on the fact that people lost their marbles than on the loss of life.  They’re two separate suckiosities to me.

5: My teens became… well… teens.  The gulf that occurs between parents and teens at “that age” hit all at once and is exacerbated by circumstances (like the not living together thing).

4: Which leads us to, oh yeah, and my kids aren’t living with me right now.  This is not altogether a bad thing – it’s important and healthy, I think – but it still sucks.  Like the vacuum of space.

3: My tattoo apprenticeship is on hold until my teacher can get settled into a steady and clean workshop (which might not matter anyway because the commute is going to kill me on gas).

2: I haven’t made a single pro sale this year on stories submitted – counting equally that I haven’t submitted that many – and other book sales are less than stellar, which has everything to do with a lack of active marketing on my part.  That’s a whole story in and of itself.

1: I came face-to-face with the reality of the consequences of my inner idealism, mainly in that part that trusts people to a fault.  More than half of the broken heart I’ve sported in the past has been for me taking people at their word, and now I have to go through the trouble of that whole name-change thing again.  There’d better be lots and lots of bacon and cookies in it for me if I have to do this again.

 

End-of-year challenge: Day Two, Eleven Things

Day Two: Eleven things about yourself

1. I cut my own hair.  I’ve tried to see stylists before, but I’ve never been happy with the results for very long, so I just take care of the job myself.

2. Since I was identified as an autist, I’ve been much more patient with my own perceived short-comings and more tolerant of how long it takes me to grasp certain ideas.  It’s also given me a sense of pride that I can do and think things that other people might not be able to.

3. I love painting my nails (especially in odd colors like Emerald Green or Dried-Blood Red), but I hate taking it off, so I generally leave it there until it chips off.  Very punk rock.

4. I believe in the things I believe in due to an equal amount of evidence and imagination.  This may be a problem at some point in the future, but it’s also proven to be disturbingly accurate more often than not.

5. I much prefer lamps to overhead lights.  I get really grumpy with overhead lights.

6. I don’t like showers very much.  I’ll take them in a pinch, but I’d much rather have the time to take a nice, long, leisurely bath, even if it means waiting a couple of days.

7. I shouldn’t eat wheat, yeast, corn, soy, peanuts, or pork.  I should also avoid all things cow-dairy.  I indulge every now and again, but really, it makes it hard to be a good human.  Various items on this list will change my personality, jack my blood sugar through the roof, rev my thyroid badly, and twist my guts.  None of that is fun, and it takes days if not weeks to repair every time.

8. My biggest fear in becoming a writer is running out of good ideas.  This may be the greatest block to me actually pursuing a career in writing.

9. I can actually play quite a few musical instruments, and I learn them very quickly.  I just don’t because so many of the people I love play, too, and I don’t like that sense of competition and jealousy that comes from two people sharing a talent-based interest.

10. I worry perhaps a little too much that Daniel is so far behind developmentally.  I know it’s not my fault, that I didn’t do anything to cause it (besides saving his life), but I worry that he won’t get caught up all the way and will always be just a little behind.  I can only imagine the frustration that might cause him – and that others might judge me as a bad mother for it.

11. I really only like watching television series that have already ended.  Waiting for commercials or from week to week makes me crazy.  I want the story NOW!

 

Day Two: Nine Things

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

This is rather a tough one.  This is about quantifying yourself without getting into preferences (as those are meant for later in the week).

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1.  I wear black in self-defense.  Part of it is that I’m a little too distracted usually to bother with things like color-coordination.  I’m totally with Albert Einstein on that whole thing about having dozens of the same outfit to avoid having to think about it.

2.  I love my scars.  The dumb ones, the harsh ones and the weird ones were all moments in time that meant something, even if I didn’t know it at the time.  It’s kinda like the universe giving you a tattoo that you didn’t know you wanted or needed.

3.  I now feel more “worthy” of pursuing genius after finding out how strong autism is in my family.  I think that having an “excuse” to be truly different, to operate outside of the social rules (instead of feeling constantly like an ungrateful child, pointing out how bad Gramma’s bum leg smells), will provide me with the right mental foundation to accomplish something absolutely mind-blowing.

4.  I really only want to date and not get serious with anyone, but I’m not sure I know how to not be serious.  I’m a caregiver, and it’s hard to stop doing that.  Maybe what I really want is a relationship that progresses “normally” – but I don’t know what that is, exactly.

5.  If I don’t have a clear understanding of what you want, I will fill in the blanks.  Chances are, that’s not going to be what you meant, but since I’m very logical and literal-minded, you kinda get what you ask for – even if it’s not what you wanted.

6.  I will be getting more tattoos, and I don’t imagine I’ll ever stop.  I can see myself at 90 years old, finally getting that spot on the back of my calf filled in because it’s the only blank area left that will still look decent.  Each one is so meaningful, and at the same time, it’s so spontaneous when it happens.  I love it.

7.  The more I entertain an idea and explore it as a theory, the more it becomes a reality in my world – even if it’s not the same for other people.  This fascinates me to no end.

8.  The world is like a brilliant nearly fractal map of equations in my head, each person and element their own little logical statement.  When I ask you questions, I’m trying to define variables so that I understand you better.  I love simplifying, but I am cautious to do so because what if I’ve missed an aspect of you?  These equations are all multidimensional, completed only with sounds and colors and depth and texture and taste.  For instance, some people literally taste bad to me, some people taste wonderful.  I have learned that there is no correlation between my “taste perception” and my ability to connect or get along with them.

9.  Coffee is not a morning routine for me because of the caffeine – it is completely a comfort thing.  The smell of it, the taste of it, the heat of the first sip, all these things tell me that I am still connected to the universe, to the earth, and that makes me feel safe.  When someone brings me coffee – unrequested and prepared correctly – I feel more secure than at any other time, and those are the days that I can go out and change the world.

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Tomorrow: Eight ways to win my heart.

The original list is here: