I just got back from a massage/energy session. This was with the massuesse I started seeing a couple of years ago, and then I switched over to giving my massages to Joe and seeing my Reiki teacher for massage/energy for the last year. My teacher has suddenly made herself “unavailable”, so I went back to my original lady. I even gave her fair warning about what I needed.
During the session, she noticed a number of things that now have me worried. Although I’ve been through my first and second Reiki attunements, my only functioning chakras seem to be the Throat and Heart – the Crown is closed tight, and everything from my Solar down is shut, including my feet. Her angels even stepped in to help, working a lot around my throat and my arms (plus my feet). I’ve suspected this was the case for some time given my sudden difficulty meditating (progressively getting worse for the last six months until about three weeks ago when I just couldn’t get any energy going at all), but the things that come to mind about what might be causing it are scary and worse…
On one hand, I want to think that all this is just part of the cycles of Gates and such that we’re going through as a planet, and on the other hand, I can’t deny that there might be things going on in my real life that I’m ignoring, for whatever reason. I’ve always worked hard to uncover the truth, to pursue honesty, to act with compassion, but I feel more and more that I’m “fooling myself”… Except, I don’t know what I might be “fooling myself” about.
Here’s the part where I’m taking this here instead of the public. So, if you can read this, please keep it to yourself – I’ll take it to other people when it’s time.
The first thing that came to mind was Joe’s fidelity, and almost immediately, the answer comes back as a “that’s not it”. I chose to invest Trust in him, regardless of his past performance. I believe that making the choice to be married and to be a father is a change that he entered into willingly, even if it sometimes seems like he doesn’t always know how.
The other thing that worries me is the baby. Something in me says that there’s no guarantee that he’ll make it, and that scares me even more. I know the loss of a child, although not necessarily in this sense, but I don’t know if I have it in me to go through it again. I think I just quit smoking, even though I don’t feel like that’s connected, and the sense that there’s nothing I can do about it is the part that scares me the most. I know that there’s a part of me that didn’t want to have another baby, that wanted to have my life back finally, and that same part tells me that it was a moment of nostaglia and sentimentality that brought this one to fruition. At the same time, I feel so glad and satisfied that we’ll be having such a nicely balanced family…
But I don’t want our kids growing up with an Empty Room.
Beyond that, I can’t imagine what I’m ignoring, but then again, that’s the nature of ignoring things. I almost feel like my ego has shut down my self-awareness in favor of awareness of others, but even that is starting to suffer. It’s not suffering a lot, and I think most of what’s been pecked at is just the precognitive sense of someone needing help, but even that can get annoying when I don’t have time to prepare myself for emergencies.
And, again, this is VERY private stuff, so please don’t share it. Maybe I’m being hormonal, and tomorrow everything will be fine, but for right now, I think I need to share my fears.